22 years. As of August 13, 2020, I’ve somehow been alive for over 22 years. It’s kinda shocking to me all things considering. Now that I’ve managed to survive that long (Thankfully not the case), but the fact that much time has gone by since I’ve started to actually exist.
I bring this up because I want to use the fact to look back on what has been the driving motive behind this blog, talking about movies. It’s no secret that I haven’t been consistently updating this blog with updates as much as I should have. While ongoing life events make my absence semi-justifiable, I do want to actually force myself to use my brain in a somewhat productive fashion.
What more important to this blog is movies. And I have seen a lot of them in the past 22 years. Some good. Others are amazing—a bunch of okay watches and some that make me wish to do almost anything else. And to celebrate the last one, I’m dedicating this post to the worst 22 films I have ever seen. At least by the time, this is uploaded. The only rule is that I actually have to watch the movie (Shocking, I know). Besides that, anything, and I mean anything, goes. The only point I need to make is that this isn’t an actual ranking. Because if I’m honest, these films will find themselves as number 1 one way or the other.
So sit back. Relax and let me go down an unfortunate trip down memory lane.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Making movies is hard. Even your regular big-budget blockbuster requires a lot of time and effort than I think some people don’t really realize. Not even to imagine making such an effort with less than $10,000. The fact that James Nguyen put himself on the line financially to see his dream become a reality is nothing short of admirable.
That doesn’t also change my opinion that this deserves to be on this list for what I think are obvious reasons. Look at that image. Just grasp the level of technical craft at display that leaps from this picture. And if you’re wondering, that’s basically the whole movie in a nutshell. Well, sort of.
Before the 47-minute mark is one of the most ill-convinced romance plots, I’ve ever seen. When our main characters barely have any chemistry that extends past cardboard, there really is nothing to latch onto even when the film attempts to foreshadow the central conflict through a self-explanatory message about global warming (Which is well-intentioned, but the film wraps itself around the theme rather than the other way around to a fault). The production values are outstandingly awful. Amateurish sound design and editing, poor video quality, and the special effects? See the video above.
Once the birds get around to their shock and terror act, the movie truly becomes something special. It’s truly quite a spectacle with how often they just fly to the ground and explode and the characters making the most inane of decisions. And the only reason anyone should seek this one out.
Speaking of disastrous spectacles, there well The Room. Out of all the entries on this post, I’ve felt that this film’s reputation really speaks for itself. So I’ll do exactly just that. So do please enjoy the courtesy of YouTube.
The only thing I can add is that Tommy Wiseau is a treasure amongst humanity and must be protected at all costs. His performance is one of the greatest that’s even been put to film.
That is all.
You ever wonder if Star Wars was made by people who didn’t know what they were doing and were awful beyond any sort of imagination? Well, thankfully, you don’t have to.
Out of all the films on this post, I think this one scares me the most out of its sheer incompetence. If there was going to be a number one, this one might actually. From the first shot, Battlefield Earth hits rock bottom and only sinks lower from there. Do you like every shot to be at a dutch angle? For actors to be as bland as possible or devouring the ham without even chewing on it once? Are you scared of how John Travolta put himself in the most insane roles since the 1990s?
Well, do I have a movie for you.
While Birdemic’s production values are below average because the crew lacked the experience and budget, Battlefield Earth, at first glance, seems to be made by people who might have actually made a film. Then you look at it for more than five seconds and realize that this film is aggressively ugly. The film’s never-ending use of tilted camera angles is the stuff of legendary bad filmmaking 101, but throw such drab art direction on top of that, and no one would fault you for feeling the urge to vomit.
It’s a movie that comes off thinking that it has made something good, but the concept and execution couldn’t be any more different. Mix those production values alongside some of the campest performances and screenwriting, and you have yourself a nightmare of a cinema experience.
When movies are usually considered pretty bad by critics and audiences, they often have multiple reasons for coming to that conclusion: bad acting, poor story, lackluster visuals, etc. With Cats, it’s actually an interesting story. Based on the musical of the same name, the film doesn’t resort to a traditional three-act structure. Its emphasis on the songs and spectacle could be off-putting to some, but I can imagine it will appeal to people who might enjoy that. There is an Oscar award-winning director at the helm, and the cast is pretty spectacular.
At worst, it could just be rated at 4 or 5 out of 10, but nothing truly terrible. But then you throw one simple ingredient into the mix, and everything falls apart. And anyone who knows of this movie might have an idea of what I’m referring to.
Motion capture, when used correctly, can lead to some jaw-dropping creations (Think of any performance by Andy Serkis, for starters). But Cats get everything wrong from the first hurdle. Technically the actual quality certainly looks modern in terms of details and textures on the character models. The issue is that the designs are just awful in the first place. Hitting levels of uncanny levels that even make me uncomfortable (And that takes some real effort), watching these abominations do anything onscreen is more terrifying than a good chunk of horror films released in the past few years.
And for some reason that I can’t understand, the characters in this movie act weirdly sexual towards each other. And it’s these things giving each other that look; I wish I really wasn’t watching this right now.
Like I said earlier, if it wasn’t for that, I don’t think this movie would live on in infamy as it already has. But it’s amazing just how one thing has essentially defined this film’s reputation.
For those who saw my review, it’s pretty clear why this movie is on here. But to summarize very quickly:
Artemis Fowl has no idea how to structure its narrative or character arcs to create something that is at the very least coherent and understandable. Even after pondering my time with the film, I still have no idea what I really watched, why it happened, or even worse couldn’t find any reason to care in the first place. And how heavy it deviates from the source material; it leaves the film in a position where it ends up pleasing nobody and instead leaves everyone starching their heads.Dragon Ball Evolution
I love Dragon Ball. Visually striking, a very distinct approach to comedy, great characters often find themselves in fun stories filled with high-stakes action.
So what happens you make a live-action movie but removed everything that I just said, and the final product is just a dull, confused mess that will appeal to no one? It almost like I’ve already written about this type of movie on this post only a second ago…
Except for this time, this movie is based on a property that I absolutely adored. Turning Goku, a character known for being a battle loving warrior seeking to push beyond limits, while also at the same time being a sincere goofy doofus into the most generic angsty teenager on Planet Earth is perhaps the most fitting way to destroy everything that made that character wholly original and compelling in the first place. And that’s not even getting the other 9000s reasons that this film might as well be Dragon Ball in name only.
But removing my bias as a fan of the franchise and judging Evolution as a film actually somehow becomes even worse. Terrible performances, abysmal filmmaking at the forefront, and a story so poorly explained and structured it could give Artemis Fowl a run for its money.
Here something fun to ponder. The series creator Akira Toriyama hated this movie so much that he kickstarting the modern era of Dragon Ball out of spite.
So I guess Evolution did something right after all. Norm of the North
And this is where I start to go back to the basics.
Those who don’t know, the early days of these blogs had a major focus on bad animated films in particular. Why?
Because my friends get a kick out of my suffering for their own entertainment (PS, I love all of you guys and are what inspire me to actually do things. Stay awesome!).
But putting that aside, watching many of these made me appreciate when something actually ends up being decent or mediocre even. Because a 5/10 is more fun than ever having to sit through these gems. A few of these types of flicks on here will let that with one of the most infamous, Norm of the North.
The most innovative thing this movie brought was a twerking polar bear. Can’t even say that, just only a joke. This has to be the most generic western CG animated film you can find. The lovable goofball trying to find his place in the world. A fish out of water story. A band of irritating sidekicks only there to make awful jokes. And just the most CRAZY of bad guys imaginable. Name a trope; you can find it here.
And despite bringing nothing new to the table, it somehow ends up being worse than just being the standard. Because it’s so lazy on carrying out those basic tropes that the story takes the most inane decisions because they can, after all, who cares about quality. Kids will watch anything, right?
Only if you think they have the brain capacity on the same level as a nematode.
Caroline and the Magic Potion
This isn’t even the last of the animated films I’m going to cover, but I will argue that it is absolutely the worst, no question. Annoying, ugly, nothing makes any sense, a clear ripoff of a much better movie. The blandest voice acting around. There is nothing here that I would consider being on the level of average. It’s trash as a trash can truly be, and the only mercy I can think of is that it’s been since by a mere unlucky few.
Then again, I never knew for luck.
But if one was to ask if I was ranking based on how much I hated these films, this would be an easy number 2? Why, you ask?
God’s Not Dead
Well, because of this insidious dumpster fire.
Another movie I’ve written about in the past, God’s Not Dead, is a film that not only fails on the most basic level of just functioning as a film (As with most Pureflix features) but combines that with a message that tells it’s the target audience that you should fear and even hate those who commit the sinful act of merely disagreeing with them on this one topic. All while feeding their massively underserved victim complexes.
Because nuance is dead, right?
Even if I know I’m not the intended viewer, God’s Not Dead makes me feel gross how insulting it treats those. Don’t solve your problems with people of different mindsets with some form of logic or empathy. Naw, just hate them. Because hate is what makes the world a better place, after all, it seems.Transformers: Age of Extinction
This is Micheal Bay’s Transformers series boil down to a checklist.
Does it have hot chicks?
Big metal bits flinging themselves onto each other?
The worst type of comedy that overly crass and sexual despite it being a Transformers story?
Overlong and thinly plotted?
Have the saturation turned up by 100?
And most of all, does it have things exploding every 5 seconds?
Besides the first and third film, the rest could have been an arguable entry for this list. Revenge of the Fallen is how not to make a summer blockbuster 101, and The Last Knight is what happens. The main director is only there to make a paycheck and not actually care about the story for even the most basic of things.Age of Extinction is what happens you combine in one big messy, overcook pie. Take the worst of both worlds, and make it nearly 3 hours. The runtime was what cemented its placement. Revenge of the Fallen is awful and not that short, but I know it’s going to end at some point. And The Last Knight tries to be somewhat leaner with its narrative, unlike the other two.
But Age of Extinction just goes on. And on. And on. And on. And I really don’t want to be here anymore. Out of all the entries here, this was definitely the one I wanted to quiet while watching it. And that’s something I rarely want to do, even with the most boring of films.
Thank goodness that this series got rebooted. Transformers deserved better than this.
House of the Dead
Uwe Boll is my least favorite director that’s ever worked in Hollywood.
Aside from the fact that he would challenge and beat his critics in an actual boxing match because he had the fragile of an ego, his films are amongst the worst of the worst. Poor production values, terrible stories, and the most amateurish of acting. And that’s not even getting into his numerous video game adaptations. Alone in the Dark, Far Cry, Bloodrayne. Pick your poison, really. Any of them could be on here.
House of the Dead wins out because somehow, for how awful Uwe Boll movies are, at least he usually has something of an idea of what type of movie he wants to make. Here, however, it almost seems like he’s at the crossroads of just making a zombie thriller, at times a Matrix rip-off and something that semi relates to something from the video games. For what reason that my 5 IQ brain can barely comparand, there are random edits of footage from the actual games themselves inserted into the film for………… I don’t know?
Did Boll feel guilty for far he deviated from the games and made this awful decision to make up for that? Because he thought it was cool? Beats me. But when combining that with the usual Boll flair, this film ranks as his worst from my perspective.